How can we gather better? (Part 1)
How I’m learning to prioritize care and connection in gathering.
I recently found myself in a conversation with a new acquaintance about what it means to live together with all our diversity and difference in these complex times. This is hardly a new question, but it seems especially critical right now. In times of deep division, how do we come together? Especially, how might we gather differently in a way that deepens our interconnection and centers care?
A desire for connection
I sense in my life and work a growing desire for connection. In a number of social situations lately, I’ve found myself in honest conversations with others about loneliness and how hard it is to make friends in mid-life. In my professional life, when I’ve extended an invitation to join a conversation with others, the vast majority of people have taken up the opportunity. I hear these things from others too. At least in my little slice of the world, we seem more willing to name our desire for connection.
It was more than twenty years ago that I was introduced to the work of Margaret Wheatley. Her Leadership and the New Science was one of the first things I read that exposed me to non-hierarchical ways of being. I can’t say it sunk in fully way back then, but it did simmer there, joined by other voices over time that gradually reshaped and softened my worldview. I was recently drawn back to Wheatley’s Berkana Institute through another article and I was struck by how some language there articulated what I’ve come to see as the central belief of my life: it’s all about relationships.
Relationships are all there is. Healthy change requires respect for and full engagement with people. Community is the most effective locus of change.
I believe that to be true. I’m fortunate to be in professional and personal relationships with many others who believe that.
And yet, most gatherings, even those convened by people who align with these words, tend to fall short of living out these values. At their best, they bring us up to the edge of possibility of connection. These are the conditions where serendipitous connections could occur, but likely won’t. All too often, ways of gathering seem to work against connection by putting up so many barriers to connection.
How can we gather differently?
I’ve spent a lot of time the past few years thinking about how we might gather differently, researching, trying things, evaluating, and learning. I’m deeply grateful for those who have walked with me, both in groups I’ve convened and in those who have invited me in. I’m also grateful for thought partners and co-creators along the way. I’m grateful, too, for those who have encouraged my curiosity and questions and reminded me that I have something worth saying.
What have I learned about gathering? I’ll share below a few lessons learned. In my next post, I’ll go a bit deeper on what I consider to be more fundamental lessons about gathering.
Lesson 1 - How we begin matters
So many meetings begin with a frenetic energy. It’s obvious that people’s minds are still swimming in the complicated matters they were dealing with in their previous engagement. I’ve been surprised by how powerfully this frenetic energy comes across in virtual spaces. There is so much power in a warm smile to say “you are welcome here” or “I’m grateful we have this time.” Such hospitality becomes more powerful when paired with curiosity. Asking how someone is, remembering a small element of a previous conversation, or modeling sharing from my own life all contribute to building trust and attunement.
How we show up physically matters too. I’ve learned through failure that investing in taking a walk in the woods before a complex meeting or facilitation puts me in the right frame of mind, and I nearly always practice box-breathing before entering a virtual space. I’ve learned to deploy these techniques in creating virtual spaces, to pay attention to thresholds. Such investment of time in how we begin creates the conditions for a more connected time together.
How can we start our gatherings differently in a way that signals welcome, presence, and a peaceful energy?
Lesson 2 - Hospitality Matters
I’ve always loved hosting, and I see this as integral to my work the past few years. I’ve loved comments from visitors that say things like “this felt like a space to breathe” or “your home feels so warm” or “we felt comfortable.” Meaningful gathering is about making people feel comfortable, but it’s also a signal that a space is safe, even for uncomfortable things. Small things like comfortable furniture, simple but good food, good lighting, and simple flowers signal care and safety.
Last year, I was walking part of the Portuguese Camino de Santiago with 12 other men. We walked at our own pace but gathered every afternoon for a check-in. Each night, three men were responsible for snacks. When it was my turn, I found a bakery that specialized in regional Galician pastries and purchased a wide variety of savory and sweet treats, many of which I knew would be unfamiliar to my friends. As we enjoyed and shared, some difficult things came up and it ended up being a pivotal moment for the group. Conflict arose, but it ultimately led to healing. I’ve been struck by how central those pastries are to my fellow travelers’ reflections on our whole journey, showing up in written and oral reflections, poetry, and highlight reels. Three participants have told me separately that this hospitality contributed to the hard-but-good work that evening. This is just one example of how hospitality can change things.
How can we see gatherings as opportunities for generous hospitality that makes people feel welcome, warm, and safe? How might this support meaningful and difficult work together?
Lesson 3 - Don’t be afraid to be the host
The chill approach to hosting is all too often about hosts attempting to wriggle out of the burden of hosting. In gatherings, once your guests have chosen to come into your kingdom, they want to be governed – gently, respectfully, and well. When you fail to govern, you may be elevating how you want them to perceive you over how you want the gathering to go for them. Often, chill is you caring about you masquerading as you caring about them. (Priya Parker, The Art of Gathering, p. 74).
Don’t be afraid to take the power of the host. Few things kill the energy of a space more than a hesitance to provide guidance and shape to a meeting. I have learned that this is especially important at the beginning, to focus in those first few minutes on tone, affect, and pace. When I steward the power of being the host or the facilitator, it is all the more important that I use this to good ends. Over many years as a grant-maker for a foundation, I learned to use my host/facilitator power to shift the power dynamics of a situation and focus more on who these people were rather than what they wanted funded. This often required patience and a few rounds of conversation to assure them that I really did want to hear about their journey, their family, their life and that I saw this as a critical part of the “business” at hand. In virtual and face-to-face gatherings these past few years, I’ve found that I had to use similar skills to push back slightly on performativity that arises so naturally in professional gatherings. This almost always involved a gentle push toward the question of who are you? rather than the question what do you do?
How can we fully accept our role as host and lead gently, generously, yet decisively in a way that centers the most important relational work?
Lesson 4 - Slow down. And then slow down again.
I’ve spent a lot of time in meetings held in languages I understand imperfectly. I can’t count the number of times I was tempted to shout, please just slow down! As someone whose natural tendency is to speak rapidly, I’m still learning to practice what I desire from others. Even when participants share a language, slowness helps. I often imagine a metronome as I enter a space and mentally click it back a notch or two. At first, it feels a bit awkward, but I’ve observed again and again that others match my pace. I practice this imperfectly. But I’ve learned that slowness is critical to creating attunement and trust.
How can slowness set a tone of gentle productivity, settling our nervous systems and allowing space for all to join meaningfully?
Lesson 5 - Don’t fear silence
I’ve found over and over again that allowing just a bit more time often allows thoughtful things to emerge. Often these gems come from people who are less likely to speak. Allowing just a little bit of mildly uncomfortable silence often allows the conversation to go to a deeper and more intimate level. It also affirms that it’s ok to simply be together without doing something.
How might we allow space for things to emerge that require a bit more time or braveness?
Lesson 6 - Go where the conversation leads; don’t be afraid to divert carefully
When I facilitate, I always have a “time flow” plan. I plan for what to anticipate in broad (and sometimes quite narrow) time blocks. This is a critical part of planning. Yet I rarely follow these plans to the end. Almost always, something emerges in the flow of the work that diverts us in a slightly different and often better direction. Sometimes it is a brief diversion and we still end up at the anticipated end-point by a different road. But sometimes the diversion is more fundamental. I cannot say that I always got the balance here right. The most difficult moments of facilitation I’ve experienced have been deciding whether to allow a diversion. Sometimes, a diversion can become a rabbit trail that distracts from purpose. But sometimes, a diversion can take you to deeper places that reflect the power of the people gathered in this space at this moment.
How can we be open to possibilities that divert from our plans yet better serve our why?
Summing Up
How do we gather with a greater attention to connection and care?
Begin well.
Host in ways that matter.
Don’t be afraid to lead.
Slow down.
Allow silence.
Follow the flow.
These are the maxims I hold close when I’m gathering and facilitating. If I had to sum it up in just a few words, I’d say prioritize caring for others and recognize that connection is everything, and being willing to hold the “task at hand” loosely.
In my next post, I’ll talk about some other learnings that are core to gathering well. I’ll focus especially on the centrality of creativity and facilitation of self-understanding before returning to the key theme of relationships.
For Reflection
Have you experienced a different sort of gathering where you didn’t feel the need to perform? What made that experience special? I’d love to talk to you about that experience. Drop me a note at jason@jasonferenczi.com.
What is a memorable hosting experience for you where you finished feeling like you’d welcomed people well and created connection? How did this feel in your body?
What I’m reading/engaging
I’ve been taking a Coursera course in Social Psychology. It’s been good to revisit some things I’ve not engaged since undergrad and many others that I’ve not engaged. I was especially struck by a documentary on the Milgram Experiments from the 1960s, which this much briefer video draws on. In short, large numbers of people will do destructive things when a person in authority tells them to. This is especially true when they are physically removed from the person who is perceived to be harmed. It is so easy to say “I’d never do anything like that,” but years of data suggest that for most of us, that’s simply not true.
I appreciated this article on “Because we need each other,” exploring how cancel culture has shown up in and impacted social movements. I loved the focus on creating spaces that promote belonging and handling conflict in healthy ways that promotes growth.
I’d also commend this article from The Economist on Russian influence in Central African Republic. I’ve been privileged to visit CAR twice and on my last visit in 2017 had the chance to meet the president. At the time, it was hard to envision what has happened with expanding Russian presence in the country.
Ukraine is never far from my mind. The recent attacks on the city center of Sumy were just the latest nauseating turn of events, one of so many stories of dehumanization happening in many places, my own country included. I appreciated this unusual post that places a recent parking ticket received by Ukrainian President Zelensky’s staff in Helsinki into the context of recent Ukrainian/Russian/post-Soviet history.
Finally, I can’t sidestep the precarious place where my own nation finds itself. It’s difficult to take it all in, but trends in recent days toward extra-judicial incarceration seem to strike at the heart of the Constitution. Timothy Snyder’s analysis is a must-read and draws deeply on lessons of 20th century history where autocracies achieved the most harm when they separated people from the law and state structures.
A Final Note
I’m pleased to announce the re-launch of my professional website. The site tells a bit of my story, my professional background, and the questions that animate me. It also gives information on some of my services: coaching, gathering and facilitation, research, and story work/genealogy. If I can be of service, reach out!
I’ll be launching this more fully in the near future.
Thanks for reading.
I smiled that the skills I chose to share mirror much of this posting. Thanks for your article and the support at networking session today :-)